


for a moment i am what i never was

by minimitchell



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: But Ben reassures him, Callum is an idiot, Deaf Character, Insecurity, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24457609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minimitchell/pseuds/minimitchell
Summary: It’s completely irrational. Callum’s being completely irrational.He knows it. And frankly, he’s more than embarrassed about it.
Relationships: Ben Mitchell & Frankie Lewis, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 12
Kudos: 110





	for a moment i am what i never was

**Author's Note:**

> This idea popped into my head and basically wrote itself.
> 
> This is the first fic I've ever actually had the guts to publish, so be nice, please.  
> Thanks for reading. <3

It’s completely irrational. _Callum’s_ being completely irrational.

  
He knows it. And frankly, he’s more than embarrassed about it.

Which is why he hasn’t talked to anyone about his feelings yet. Not with Lola, or Whitney and certainly not with Ben. He knows that Ben would laugh at him. Would tell him he’s being completely ridiculous. And Callum would agree wholeheartedly. But he just can’t seem to switch off these feelings, that keep bubbling up inside of him.

  
Because they’re just spending so much time together.

  
Callum knows he should be happy. It’s done wonders for Ben to have someone, who’s also deaf to help him navigate this new situation. It has mellowed him out a fair bit and he seems to be coping better and better with his disability.

  
And Frankie’s been nothing but great since they had started their little communication slash therapy sessions. She’s been teaching Ben sign language with the patience of a saint -she definitely needs it with Ben being, well, Ben- being completely understanding when Ben gets overwhelmed or frustrated. And she’s listened to his fears, his worries, and tried to give her perspective on things as well.

  
And it’s not like Ben has stopped talking to Callum about these things either. They’ve been open and honest with each other about everything, their relationship going from strength to strength since Ben’s wakeup call from the dodgy job going tits up.

  
So Callum really doesn’t understand why he keeps feeling that lick of jealousy flaring up inside his belly anytime Ben and Frankie are hanging out together.

  
Maybe it’s because they started to have their own little inside jokes, Ben always brushing Callum off when he asks about them later. Maybe it’s because lately there have been more and more occasions where they seem to stop signing to each other when Callum entered the room. It's not like it would matter, even though Callum had started learning more and more sign language as well, he naturally wasn’t as good as Ben had become with Frankie’s help.

  
Or maybe it was because they kept texting each other while him and Ben were supposed to be spending time together alone, just cuddling on the sofa and watching something neither of them paid much attention to in favor of trading languid kisses with each other.

  
Callum doesn’t know what exactly bothers him so much and he feels incredibly silly just thinking about it. The feeling of exasperation at himself immediately replacing the jealousy once he catches himself in those moments.

  
But the feeling just won’t go away, no matter how much he reasons with himself, and it’s slowly eating him up inside.

  
He waves a friendly goodbye to Frankie as she’s stepping out of the door in the Mitchell kitchen and the bright smile he receives from her in return just makes him feel worse.

Ben’s happy as well, smiling to himself as he gathers a few papers he had used to scribble down some signs and phrases during their little lesson.

  
Callum just stands there, back against the kitchen cupboards, and thinks he’s a horrible human being for being jealous of his _gay_ boyfriend’s female friend.

  
“Wanna do something later? Go out or have drinks in the pub?”

  
He doesn’t even register Ben’s question until he steps in front of Callum, waving his hand in front of his face to get his attention.

  
Callum shakes his head a little, like that could get rid of the thoughts that had been plaguing him for the better part of a month now, and focuses on his boyfriend instead, who’s looking at him with pinched eyebrows, mouth downturned.

  
“Earth to Callum. I thought I was the deaf one here.”

  
He says it jokingly. And just the fact that he can joke about it openly now, no hint of shame or despair, reiterates the fact to him that Callum is a giant idiot.

  
“Hm? Yeah, sure, whatever you wanna do.”

  
“What’s been going on with you lately? Something bothering you at work?”

  
It isn’t a touchy subject between them anymore, with Ben being done with turning tricks at least for a while and Callum not really doing anything too exciting yet at the station, and Ben had been nothing but supportive and positive about his career these last few weeks. 

  
“No, it’s nothing.”

  
Ben keeps looking at him unconvinced, giving him time in case he wants to share what’s clearly been bothering him lately.

  
“Really, Ben. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

  
Ben steps forward to grasp one of Callum’s hands in his. He gives it a reassuring squeeze as if to remind Callum that he’s here, he’s listening and he would never judge him for anything.

  
If only he knew.

  
“I do worry, though. You’ve been acting weird for a while, like you’re feeling guilty or something. Even Frankie thinks so.”

  
The panic of Ben maybe thinking he’s feeling guilty because he cheated or something is completely overridden by the sudden feeling of jealousy and annoyance he’s consumed with, when Ben mentions Frankie’s name as if they’ve been gossiping about him.

  
Callum isn’t quick enough to suppress the annoyed sigh that leaves his mouth and he immediately closes his eyes, praying that Ben didn’t pick up on it just now.

  
Only he’s not that lucky today.

  
“So something _is_ going on? You can tell me, Callum. I thought we were being honest with each other. Don't you trust me?”

  
And just like that, with the knowledge that he’s hurt Ben with his insecurity and ill-placed anger, he knows that he can’t keep burying these feelings and that he has to talk to Ben about them, even if it makes him look like a complete fool.

  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to worry or doubt us or anything. It’s just so stupid.”

  
“Hey, it’s not stupid if it bothers you that much.”

  
Ben guides him towards the table and makes him sit down on the chair perpendicular to him so he can continue to see Callum’s face.

  
Callum starts fiddling with the pen still lying on the table, needing something to keep his unoccupied hand busy and distract him a little.

  
“I’m jealous.”

  
There, he’s said it. Ben keeps looking at him, a confused expression washing over his face, only Callum knows it’s not from having difficulties with understanding him, but only from, well, _understanding_ him.

  
“What? Jealous of what?”

  
Callum doesn’t want to say it. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s jealous, like some thirteen-year-old teenager, of a nice girl, who’s just helping his boyfriend out. Who has never shown any interest in Ben. Who wouldn’t even be a concern if she did, because she’s a _woman_.

  
“Frankie.”

  
At that, Ben’s face morphs into complete bewilderment. Callum can’t blame him. He knows how it sounds.

  
“Frankie? Callum, do you remember that I’m gay? Didn’t think I had to remind you of that seeing as we had sex like yesterday.”

  
“I know! I know it’s stupid and that it doesn’t make sense and that I’m an idiot, okay. I know!”

  
He can feel himself getting worked up, tears filling up his eyes in frustration at himself, but Ben’s still holding his hand and the gesture grounds him more than anything. It makes the voice screaming at him in his head fade enough take a deep breath, releasing some of the tension in him.

  
“I don’t even know what I’m jealous of. And I feel so bad because she’s been nothing but nice and helpful to me and you and I don’t know what to do.”

  
“Do you want her to stop coming here? Me to see her less?”

  
Callum shakes his head vehemently. He’s not going to ruin a good thing for Ben just because he has an irrational fear of… what even? That his boyfriend suddenly decides he’s not gay after all and runs off with a woman? That he stops loving Callum just because he’s got a new friend? Someone to talk to, who actually understands what he’s going through and how he’s feeling?

  
“No! No, you’ve been doing great and she’s helped you so much. I don’t want you to give that up.”

  
“Look, Callum,”, Ben scooches forward a bit and grabs Callum’s other hand, holding both of them securely in his own, “I love you and I never would’ve made it this far without you. I’m not going to leave you for someone, a woman no less, just because they’re also deaf. Losing my hearing didn’t change how I feel about you. In fact, it made me love you even more, because you’re amazing. And supportive. And so much sexier to me than any woman.”

  
Callum lets out a quiet laugh at that and Ben looks relieved that his little tease worked to ease the rest of the tension out of Callum’s body, his fingers less rigid in Ben’s grip and the crease in his forehead disappearing. 

  
Ben brings his right hand up to press a kiss to Callum’s wrist, right over where his pulse is thumping in his veins. It’s his way of showing that he’s here and he will stay here, however long Callum plans to stick around as well.

  
“Want me to remind you just how much I fancy you?”, Ben teases, his eyebrow shooting up suggestively.

  
Callum laughs at that as well, happy to know that this admission didn’t change anything between them. That Ben doesn’t judge him, instead tries to reassure him that there’s nothing to be jealous of even if Callum knows it as well. 

  
He’s relieved that Ben figured it out for him that he was just scared of losing Ben in any way, now that he was accepting who he is and how he can deal with his disability. And that it wasn’t really about Frankie, but about what she represents to Ben.

  
He hopes that Ben’s reassurance is more than enough to stop the feelings from resurfacing and he decides, then and there, to join them next time they get together, maybe ask Frankie if she wants to get a pint with them afterwards. Get to know her the way Ben has.

  
Maybe she’ll want to be his friend, too.

  
“How about we go for that drink, you can make fun of me for this conversation and _then_ you’ll show me just how much you fancy me?”

  
Ben hums in response, tugging on Callum’s hands until he leans forward enough to capture Ben’s lips in a kiss, teasing his tongue inside his mouth for good measure.

  
He stays close when they part, Ben’s hands having found their way into the front of his shirt to keep him there and his own gripping his boyfriend’s head, thumbs pressing against his jaw.

  
“Sounds like a plan.”


End file.
